What no One Tells You About Starting Therapy
When people start therapy, they often have a mix of hope and hesitation. Maybe you're hoping for relief, clarity, tools—or just a space to finally talk about things you’ve held in for too long. But no one really tells you what the actual process might feel like.
Therapy isn’t always a straight line. It’s more like a spiral—you might circle the same themes again and again, but from slightly different vantage points. You may start to feel better… and then suddenly want to quit. You might even wonder if it's working at all.
That’s not a sign that something’s wrong. It’s often a sign that you’re actually getting closer to the core of the thing.
So if you're new to therapy—or just wondering if you're doing it "right"—here are a few things I think are important to know.
You might want to leave just as it starts to work
It’s so common to want to stop therapy once you feel some initial relief. That’s totally understandable. But sometimes that urge to quit isn’t just “I feel better now”—it's a form of resistance, especially when you're doing deeper, more insight-oriented work. When we get close to something tender, scary, or unfamiliar, part of us might pull back.
This isn’t failure. It’s actually good information. It means therapy is reaching places inside you that have been shut down for a long time—and those places are starting to stir.
Change is often subtle—and only noticeable in hindsight
Most of the time, change in therapy doesn’t feel like a thunderbolt. It feels like:
"I didn’t shut down during that conversation."
"I cried and didn’t apologize for it."
"I responded to my partner instead of reacting."
"Someone told me I seemed calmer, and I realized I was."
We don’t always recognize growth while we’re inside it. But often, the people around you do.
You don’t have to know what to say
So many people come into therapy worrying they need to have something “important” or dramatic to talk about. You don’t. In fact, some of the richest work starts with a pause and a “I’m not sure what to say today.”
You’re allowed to be confused. You’re allowed to sit in silence. You’re allowed to ramble. You don’t need to perform.
Your relationship with your therapist might bring up feelings—and that’s part of the work
This is something people really don’t talk about enough. If therapy is working, at some point your therapist might remind you (consciously or unconsciously) of other relationships in your life. You might worry you're being too much. You might feel misunderstood. You might start to crave their approval—or resist their help.
This isn’t a detour. It’s part of the healing. How you relate to your therapist can show you how you learned to relate to others, to love, to ask for help, to protect yourself. A good therapist will be able to hold those moments with care, not shame.
Insight is beautiful—but not the whole story
You might have a moment in therapy where something finally clicks. A childhood pattern makes sense. A protective part of you softens. You connect the dots and feel some deep relief.
But even insight doesn’t always lead to immediate change. Understanding something intellectually is just one layer. Feeling it in your body, making new choices, and giving yourself time to integrate it—that’s where real transformation lives. It takes time, repetition, and a kind of trust that’s hard to rush.
You might start out wanting tools—and find that what you need is time
There’s nothing wrong with wanting tools. They can be incredibly helpful, especially in the beginning. But many people eventually realize that what they actually need is time. Time to feel, process, reflect. Time to have a new kind of relationship—one that’s not based on fixing or rushing or performing.
The slower work can feel frustrating at first, especially if you’re used to managing everything on your own. But over time, that slowness can become safety.
A note on modalities like EMDR and Somatic Experiencing
I often use EMDR and Somatic Experiencing in my practice—especially with trauma, anxiety, or deeply held relational patterns. These approaches are powerful and well-researched. But even with these tools, the most important thing remains the same: the relationship.
You have to feel safe, supported, and seen for EMDR or SE to work the way they’re meant to. The nervous system won’t release or integrate anything unless it feels trust. So the technique matters, yes—but only if the relationship is there first.
Final thoughts
Therapy isn’t about “fixing” you. It’s about making room for the parts of you that got pushed away—often for good reasons. It’s about remembering your wholeness, slowly and safely.
If you’re starting therapy, I hope this helps normalize what might come up along the way. And if you’re already in therapy and wondering if you’re “doing it right”—you probably are.
If you're looking for trauma-informed, relational therapy—whether for yourself or your relationship—I'd love to connect.
